Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?