NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up