NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster