Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
You Might Also Like
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
subtitles are so good nowadays
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right