Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
How software testing works
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.