Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’ve had worse
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.