Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.