Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢