Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
the answer was staring at me all along
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.