Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.