I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh