(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
You Might Also Like
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
#damn
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.