Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
What?!?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.