@JasonLastname: Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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@Marlebean: *sees someone drop their wallet* *picks it up and runs after them* Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! You... *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
@MaverickGames: Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. "Your crush" has added you to list "Friend Zone".
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Whatcha doin? 12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead. Me: Did Hershel die yet? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Guess not.
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.