@JasonLastname: Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Magic words that make my children disappear: 3) Bath time 2) Who did this?! 1) When I was your age...
@sweet_toof: Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
@jackiembouvier: I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn't recognize. Go on without me.
@WheelTod: Shrimp: My mom's coming to visit Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year? S:She's lonely Wife: Oh grow a spi... S: Grow a what, Karen?