Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Same pineapple, same
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Just me?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation