“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
good for her
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“We will wed,” I threatened
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?