@garrydavenport: "Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to "remove pizza from box before consumption".
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@Rollinintheseat: When you're talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@KeetRidley: If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
@thatdutchperson: [Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom] "I've counted these fries."