“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
motivation
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…