Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.