[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
👾👾👾
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Perfect
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%