[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”