NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“our sushi is very fresh”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states