toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Room with a view.
💁🏻♂️
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx