I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)