17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
It’s a gift
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.