American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
This could be us, but you weedin’.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again