Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.