[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Meow
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
i have one speed and it’s mosey
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.