Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
No. YOU-buprofen.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*