my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
This dude got his own movie?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
This is me
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.