@thestlouisan: [Texting]
WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He's too young for coffee
W: Coffee's for me
M: Where's the comma?
W:
M: Hello?
@dshack8: So then I said, "Spit on it first, then see if it'll fit."
...And that's why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
@JeremySchuetze: Life hack: Never actually say the words 'Life hack' out loud.
@KrunkedRobot: Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
@RobDenBleyker: If we weren't able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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