@thestlouisan: [Texting] WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6? ME: He's too young for coffee W: Coffee's for me M: Where's the comma? W: M: Hello?

@dshack8: So then I said, "Spit on it first, then see if it'll fit." ...And that's why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

@JeremySchuetze: Life hack: Never actually say the words 'Life hack' out loud.

@KrunkedRobot: Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

@RobDenBleyker: If we weren't able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.