OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
FINE, I WON’T.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.