OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.