Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Is this the real life?
Is this just
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
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