@TheThomason: Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.
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@WeissBrandon: Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop... Me... Is it cause of the drugs?
@Sarcasmo718: Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.
@Underchilde: I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there’s a lot of food in his apartment that’ll spoil if I don’t eat it.
@EricDumbTweets: I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.