woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
saving face 👀
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
honestly, i need both:
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair