Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…