Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again