Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.