One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.