We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
So true for me
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.