Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.