My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?