Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months