Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
live long and prosper!
Always
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’