@stonedcoldlazy: Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!
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@jjhartinger: Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.
@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.
@AJslackie2: Her: i'm in the mood Me: me too Her: wanna do it Me: oh yeah baby [we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
@laurenlapkus: I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney