Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
nyc:
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …