Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
my one true gender
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy