Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.