@ChaseMit: Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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@markleggett: I only watch "Game of Thrones" because I'm trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
@UncleDuke1969: When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.
@KimmyMonte: before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
@OBiiieeee: [trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no
@LaziestCanine: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
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