@clarkekant: Obama says he’s pro-vaccine, GOP comes out against it. Now Obama needs to express his support for breathing.
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@lalastrailer: If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who's dumber than me, I'd have $11 cause I work for a small company.
@Pro_Jones_: (Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.
@joshgondelman: Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.