[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
We need to put an American base on the sun
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.