Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now