Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Fight
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool