my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.