I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Yup
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no