wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”